whhat?

as usual i am in conundrum?  why? because i am stuck in this maze of my so called LIFE which i think or the way i think for me is Love Is For Ever.  I am trying to spread LIFE, but does any one cares about it?  it is their loss, but as my habit is and my motto now is to be T and R.  What does that mean? next time, for sure.  

as usual

feeling useless as usual, due to mt sicknes, everyone thinks i cannot do anything.  yes i am physically disabled.  I try, but no one listens to me or believe me.

nothing special

nothing special, just living life as it is.  nothing else.  good thing, spoke to a girl i like, just like to talk to her.

now empty as alwaya

today is my daughter's birthday, she was good today.  she left for India for 2 weeks. I will be alone which I am always.  But what can I do?  just live as it is.

why?

why is it that people do not trust?  it is a pain, but ....

it continues

my life is continuing as before.  My luv has left me, although I think she still loves me, mark my word I think.  may be I always and always this positive.  The bad thing is I cannot think negative.

thoughts-5

nothing special today, went for a meeting, sat for  3 hours doing nothing.  instead of at home doing nothing, spend time doing nothing somewhere else.
what a day of doing nothing.  well last 3 weeks of doing nothing, then there will be something ...  what?

thoughts-4

why do i have to take blame for all my or someone else's misdeeds?  well the bad thing is i keep hiding from all my feelings.  hey, i also do mistakes, i am a human too, i am not god.  but still i do mistakes. 
what do you call the dork who is writing this blog?
considerate fool, Why? because he is a fool who consider other before other.
what can we say?

when 400 is more than 1500

the title might look crazy, but this is truth about my existing life. i am physically disabled and as my ex-wife  who used to love me before my disability now says that i am mentally disabled too.  so the   question comes to my non-existing mind that why am i alive? to listen to others?
if that is my fate, I have to be alive till I  repay my misdeeds.

thoughts-3

tried to make my life easier, but am i really needed in this world?  i don't think so.  i am there, but not there.  as if oblivious.  what to do?  just stay as it is keep on living. hoping that some moment will be better.  i keep on plodding on that thought. am i wrong? don't know :( 

thoughhts-2

why do a person to face consequences of other''s misdeed?  this has been happening to me.  i confess that i  was not strong after i got married.  I was earning good, under influence of parents, used my then wife for physical  pleasure.  and now?
wife has left me, i am all alone, trying to tell my story.

thoughts-1

have you ever felt that you are stranger?  well of  course everyone is a stranger to others in this world or life. M
But what about one who is not rich, but due to his fate he got hit with MS, incurable,but not fatal.  he cried for 15 seconds, and thought it's not worth to cry.
he divorced his wife who still loved him, but he divorced and told hee to start a new life with the person she likes.

is it bad?

is it bad? is it bad to be resilient and tenacious?

whar?

just killing time.  waiting, just waiting

something

something good in my  bleak world. my daughter in Ai] Force Cadet got promoted  as Flight Sergeant.  I am happy in her achievements.

not bad

my ex was in talking term today, nothing much, had hospital visit, then to my family doctor, then home with hungry stomach, ate pasta which my daughter had prepared, now planning or trying to sleep.

is being posiive bad?

i have started to think, being positive is bad.   why?  i did something which i thought was good, but turned out to be bad for his ex-wife and he is self-cursing.  why?  because he does not have world knowledge.  let i die.

is this life?

1. no one should have a life like me.  once loved because i was earning money.  after becoming disabled, which my parents thought.  they did not give me liberty to take decisions.  the one i took, i am repaying it now and will do it forever.  the girl i love hates me.  because i have MS, vbut she went with a person who has MS.  but there is a diff.  i have multiple sclerosis where as he has money and sex power. fxxxxx life.

something?

spoke to my wife after 2 day, well amicable talk.  as pee her she is looking for house where i might settle 5 years  from now.,  let u c

start of a day

 the day started.   nothing special, finished my morning routine and then the students came. I started tea teaching and mentioned the book while I was teaching. One student  asked me for the book,  which I was  kind  to give. let to see what comments does she give.

good day i think

good day i think.  found out my mp3 player which i thought i had lost.  it was in my walker bag.  found it and that what matter.

boost

just got first review of book, sort of positive, should keep writing

what now?

what now? is the question i have. finished book yesterday, now may write more on different topic, will have to think on what topic.  well let me think.

nothing special

day started early, was planning to write in a book I am authoring.  finished almost all.  most probably will finish today, gota go now

almost end of the day?

well, i wrote at the beginning, the day started good, but as the day progressed it went on going bad.  it is myself, not relaxed.  feeling lonely which i am, but ...  after dinner or supper wrote in my book, which is almost 95% done.  planning to complete in a day or two.  will keep posted.

start

the day has started, will try to write in the book i am writing,  let us see.  nothing special happening yet.  will keep updated.

so what

you might have read my previous post and maybe felt sorry for my affairs.  but one thing that only i know is that i am resilient and tenacious.  will write in detail next time.

bad night and day.

last night was bad, could not sleep till 5 this morning.  i did some study.  to make things worse, the girl i still love, left me forever after 23 years of loving me.  so all alone till i die.

end of day

end of another day, last day in uni for semester for me.  will have to wait till late summer course. if my x provides me money to pay the fees,.  let me see where my life takes me.  will write or should i day, will try

where was i?

well. i am still here, just thinking about my lonely future, but i will never give up.  giving up is for losers and i am not a loser.  will write again.

another sleepless

it was another sleepless night.  with my daughter singing on top of her voice, getting unnecessary phone calls etc.  but it is part of life, what can I say.

what a night

what a disasterous night was it.  just could not sleep.  trying to sleep, but.  i had crazy dream of fighting-arguing with our servant from my childhood.  where is he now?  it has been 25 years since i left the town and 14 years i left the country.  why now? 
well day started good, came to a place where I feel comfortable.  met a friend who is beautiful girl, but it ends there. 
I have oral exam this afternoon, so will study and write again in the noon.

suddenly feeling better

reading on stress management and suddenly i know what to do.  well stay always cheerful and have "bodhichita".  what is that? well will write in short snippets.

end of day

end of another living day, school's official last is tomorrow, then exams for those who have exams.  i am free.  meeting with soc. worker in morning, then oral, then wait ... i am just writing my thoughts.

one chapter on hold

just submitted my assignment, now i have to wait for godot.

what to do?

That is the question which is in my mind, as to what to do?  nothing. just sit and wait for emptiness in which i am.  now and forever and always.  how to keep self busy?  just finished work, which i had planned, now what is the question?  just live, because you cannot die, until you repay your debts.  live nothing else.

last monday

it is last day before school closes for the year, sad Monday for me, hope to finish some work.  will write again.

nothing special

nothing special happening today yet, i am used to be ignored by my ex-luv and i have to get used to it,  studying is doing what I and of course writing this.  My ex-luv hugged me in afternoon and my daughter in night to wish me happy birthday.  and then i realised, i was 44 on 4 4.  once in my this life.
later

something good

well, it is not as black as i thought.  my wife bought my favourite food for lunch before she goes forever leaving me.  i have to stay alone till i breath my last, when i do not know.
on other know, a girl i know wrote some good things about me.  i am grateful for that.  i just want to ...., but i cannot, why?

black day?

the title of today might be confusing for whoever reads will be for them.  but that is what for me.  toay is 4th April, that is 4-4 or 44.  that is how old i am today.  what a coincidence.  on 44 i am 44.  funny yeah

almost

almost ready to finish my school year, not a good year, but life has ups and downs.  it happens.  it is life, hopefully should go well.

thoughts

will i sleep peacefully?  well i slept peacefully till i woke up at around 4 for nature's call. I tried to sleep, but my daughter came and sternly said "Mom is sick, do not fxx disturb her".  do i go on disturbing?  My life is a waste, but I have to be alive because, I cannot die :(,  I think I still have to repay my past mis-deeds.
c'est la vie.

crazy dream

what a crazy dream i had last night, or should i say very early in the morning.  i dreamt that a whale was in the house, well no water, just whale going around like a serpant.  I tried to give him bread, but he wanted to ear my hand,  after some time, i started to go on my bed, but was slithering behind me.  Some how i managed to be in my bed and he was still slithering.
what is the meaning of this dream?  does it foreshadow something?

what is it?

what is it that gives me scary thougts?  is it my innate problem or what?

i got email from city that my travel pass is cancelled, after sleepless night i went to my school and everything is sorted,  i am relieved.  i can sleep pecefull, i hope
wait for next enrey

tired am i

tired amri i, because of my attitude, i had and still have innate ability to see all the things positively.  i hatewhen my ex comes and cries which she thinks "might" happen.  i am physically disaabled and she thinks that i cannot support her daughter.  well i know i cannot physically, but mentally?  my brain is still working.
that is frustrating:(